Bernz Life'n'Thoughtz

You know when people jump to conclusions sometimes I jump to those same conclusions and usually those conclusions are wrong. This vicious cycle leads to a lot of heart ache and pain. I want to stop jumping but it seems when your heart wants to there is really nothing you can do to stop it...

However I've had enough bad experiences so now I guess I've turned somewhat pessimistic when it comes to the matters of my heart. I won't go jumping where everyone else is jumping and I'm just gonna continue doing what I am doing...

But what exactly am I doing?!?!

I just have to take things one day at a time.

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Let me be to you a sacrifice.

And I will praise you Lord
(I will praise you Lord)
And I will sing of love come down
(I will sing of love come down)
And as you show your face
{Show your face)
We'll see your glory here.

--Delirious


I remember back in grade 7 when I decided to say that prayer and follow Jesus I was excited. I was scared, but excited.

After a while I think it just became a routine. I would look and see others excited, but I just didn't have the passion anymore.

As one gets older more questions appear. It isn't just ok here this is what is it, believe. As time goes by Why? becomes a more popular question.

For quite a few years I was hiding behind all my questions, afraid to ask, maybe more afraid of the answers I'm not sure. But today it has become evident to me for the spark to be kept alive it's not about others, it's about me and God. Thats it. It's not about who gives a good sermon, which songs we sing, what fun activity is happening at fellowship. It's about God and me. It's always been about God and me. The reason I've felt so indifferent the past few years and maybe to the point where I question my very own faith in God is because I put too much reliance on other things and other people.

The Christian faith is what it is, it's a relationship between God and me.
Me and God.
That's all there is to it.
And seeking His heart whole heartedly is my passion. It's not my duty or my routine, it's my passion.

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Let me be to you a sacrifice.

I think my LJ needs some loving. So its a bright clear and sunny day here in Vancouver. I plan to be out soaking up that Vitamin D very soon. But for now I'm sitting in my room...on the computer of course...I think I like being on Vacation cause I am not attached to this thing all the time. I mean I should have more will power at home too and I should just leave this in my room while I go be productive. BUT it's even harder when I've got all the time int he world.

GOOD thing I got an interview for a job on Tuesday or I might never recover...HAHA.

WTH I can't upload pictures to LJ unless I upgrade my account...dude that's harsh. OH I guess I'm not sharing pics with y'all today! HAHA

Go out and enjoy the sun..it's Vancouver...it might disappear tomorrow =P

So today I had to run some errands. I had to deposit a cheque at the bank and I had to buy more ink for our printer. The guy said it's going to take about an hour to refill the ink so I had some time to kill.

I decided to go to the library. This is what happens...

I hand over my library card to the guy behind the counter to borrow my books.
The guy scans it then looks up at me and says, "Did you recently have a birthday?"
Me: "Nope."
Library Guy: "Did you recently turn 14?"
Me: "Nope that was a while ago."
Library Guy; "Ok I'm new I'll be right back to fix your problem."

So he goes off trying to find a more experience library personnel to help him out.
He brings a lady over and she looks at the stuff on the computer screen and asks me the same thing, "Did you recently turn 14?"

Me: "Nope its been a while."
I think library guy gets curious so he asks: "How old are you?"
Me: "20."
Library Guy: "Oh WOW you look fabulous!"
Library Women has this shocked look on her face like, omgosh I can't believe you are actually 20.

LOL yea that was the highlight of my day.
WOW you look fabulous! HAHA Yes I look young and I know it.
LOL 14 thats a new one.
I still remember the time at Babies R Us when this customer asked if I was in elementary school...HAHA

I told my mom I'm not returning to school and I am still in one piece so all is well =D
I haven't decided fully what to do, but most definitely look for a job =D
Maybe I'll find a nice language school that is hiring so I can teach english right here in Vancouver!
Better days are a coming, I am pretty sure of it.

I turned into one of those people who decided to finish doing something because she didn't want to see her family being disappointed in her and thinking she was the failure. I turned into one of those people who thought pursuing their own dreams can be put on hold. I turned into one of those people who cry (literally) every time they reach for their textbook or cry when they have to think about stepping into another tax, finance or accounting class.

I don't think I've openly told anyone how much I am not exactly enjoying my life right now. I've basically been grinning and bearing it for the past year. BUT I seriously cannot take it anymore. I cannot waste any more energy any more time any more money taking this course. YES I AM almost done, but I had this talk with my teacher and he said,

"I know you are a smart girl, but no matter how much you force yourself to want to learn and do well in these classes you will not."

Basically in the end he asked me if I wanted to suffer  more and pay more money to fail.
That's right ladies and gentlemen for the 2nd time in my life I have failed at another 2 classes. How do I know? I can just feel it, stepping into the exam and writing it I seriously did not know enough to get over 50%.

I put my best effort into it, but my heart wasn't in it. I LOATHE having to pack my bags and heading to school. I don't want to wake up everyday and cry why am I doing this? I want to wake up in the morning and be happy that I am going to school or going to work.

So I have decided to stop going to school for the next 6 months and clear my head. I know my mom is going to be mad, and I don't even want to hear about it from the rest of my family but seriously if I don't do this I may just die before I leave BCIT.

I LOVE this time of the year! There is Christmas music playing everywhere, people all seem to be in a happy mood.

I am hoping for the light fluffy snow to fall upon us! If that doesn't happen please don't slush!!!! Walking around the city in that SUCKS. I ALWAYS walk into a giant slush puddle. It's without fail. This one time I seriously thought I was home free, but 5 meters before I reached my gate BAM I stepped in one. So yea...slush stay away! Those are only good for the summer time.

So it's been such a long time since I posted in LJ. I checked and my last post was March 07. That's pretty impressive since its usually only a couple months.

I just want to share this quote with everyone because I think its quite true to my life and to many out there.

"Nothing is better than music. When it takes us out of time, it has done more for us than we have the right to hope for. It has broadened the limits of our sorrowful lives; it has lit up the sweetness of our hours of happiness by effacing the pettinesses that diminish us. Bringing us back pure and new to what was, what will be and what music has created for us."

Nadia Boulanger in
Don G. Campbell, Master Teacher

It's march 2007. WOW.

It felt like yesterday I was some dorky 8th grader entering highschool.
Now I am some dorky 20 year old going to BCIT...LOL I guess not much as changed.
HAHA yea that's a joke alright. But although so much is different now, I am still happy =D

I've got good friends, I've got a good family, I've got my health, a roof over my head, warm clothes, FOOD. 

I LOVE YOU ALL! seriously. ALL OF YOU.
You all make my day.